Anyone interested in teaming up?

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NickMichaels
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 3:17 am

Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Sat Nov 22, 2014 2:15 am

I usually write in capitals in real life and I think capitals are better looking, but if it bothers you that much, I can write in lower-case and proper formatting. And, yes the brand names can be fixed, and the slow motion and phone problems too.

And yeah, the family are all in the kitchen and Eric enters.

Plus, the ending of the cold opening could be changed as what Danimal said.

To ddrake, I think we could move it, but since some of my "feedback-crew" are here, I'd like to at least finish the pilot's final draft before we move to a new thread.
NickMichaels
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 3:17 am

Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:59 am

I managed to get more parts of the pilot script done and even planned a few short episode ideas for a 10-episode- first season if I work hard on it.

The Pilot:
We know this plot.

Rice And Beans:
When Dom gets framed for a incident at Publix resulting in an injury, Dom gets fired from being manager. Due to this, Dom is hired by Chris and Kris at there restaurant, Rice and Beans.

Don't Go Breaking My Heart:
Danielle wishes Dom could man up and speak to a rival real-estate woman who keeps teasing her for not selling many houses. Dom speaks to her, but it turns out the woman is someone from Dom's past.

Maple Syrup:
When Dom and Danielle accidentally get into a crash with a truck (which contains syrup/pancake supplies), the driver gives them lots of shipments for free. Not knowing what to do with it, Eric and his friends convince them to open a pancake shop. However, they open the shop next to Rice and Beans.

Love at First Height:
Eric tries to help his friend Jakob with his fear of heights, so he can spend time with someone he likes. Jakob gets over the height fear, and takes her on a ferris wheel ride. But Jakob is later to be found not over his height.

Chris and Kris's (Gay) Excellent Adventure:
Chris and Kris go on an adventure to Michigan for a rare taco sauce condiment. However, the car they take breaks down, and attempt to hitchhike back home. Meanwhile, Eric must take care of the dog they own, and the dog seems to hate him.

We're All Together Now:
Danielle wants to spend time with the family. However, Dom and Eric keep ignoring her. She then plots revenge.

The Monopoly:
When an expired new monster drink gets inside the boys, they end up playing a game of Monopoly. The Monopoly game gets intense when they start seeing obnoxious things. Meanwhile, Dom and Danielle, Chris and Kris, and Leo and Leslie play an extreme game of paintball.

Attempting to Load Your Sarcastic Comments:
The families in the neighborhood cannot stand the boys' new sarcasm and "hipster" language, so they attempt to teach them a lesson by becoming the better hipsters.

Nice to Meet You, Zaydon Schmidt:
When a new family moves into town, the son of the nice couple turns out to be a serious pranker and starts to get on everybody's nerves.
hayasidist
Posts: 2114
Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:12 pm
Location: Kent, England

Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by hayasidist » Sat Nov 22, 2014 11:41 am

NickMichaels wrote:When Dom gets framed for a incident at Publix ...
same comment about brand names -- best not to use real entities. And maybe avoid the obvious adult-humour parody name huh?

(and, as a BTW, Publix itself doesn't have stores in VT, Just AL, FL, GA, SC, TN I think...one of those your home state??)

And if you're using a screenwriter software like Celtx and want to preserve the formatting here use the "code" button to wrap around your text (and yeah, agreeing with ddrake, using all caps makes it look -- well -- as though your caps lock button is stuck in the on position and you can't unstick it .. and won't help if you want to get this read by a commissioning editor)
Danimal
Posts: 1584
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:06 pm
Location: The Danimal Kingdom
Contact:

Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by Danimal » Mon Nov 24, 2014 2:34 pm

Wow, you've put some thought into this. Nice story ideas and I like the clever titles!
~Danimal
Xork
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 10:32 pm
Location: Port Hueneme California

Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by Xork » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:49 pm

Count me in, that is if I can keep from deleting my posts, ...
Also I am a former Disney animation artist, working on my own little stuff. I am particularly good at character design.
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