Anyone interested in teaming up?

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NickMichaels
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:55 am

I managed to write a brief summary of what the pilot episode should be about.

The show begins with a cold open with Dom and Danielle discussing in the year 2003 about having a kid as there lives have become so dull. They agree on having a kid and the scene transfers to present-day and Dom, Danielle, and Eric are all eating breakfast. Eric spills some of his cereal on him and Dom attempts to clean it up and he slips on the milk on the floor, which he does not see. Danielle finds the incident hilarious and they take a family photo.

The theme song then is shown.

Eric walks in the door, then discussing in the living room to Dom in late afternoon about winning the last game for soccer, and that they are going to regionals next week and suggests that Dom comes with him to the game. Dom agrees to take and go to the regionals game with Eric.

Later, during dinner, Danielle mentions a real-estate business party that is Saturday and wants Dom to come to it. Eric points out that Dom said he'd come to the soccer regionals game and promised him. Danielle suggests that they skip the party as it is not that important and go to Eric's thing instead. All three are happy.

On Friday afternoon (day before event), Eric talks to his friends and he feels guilty about Danielle missing her party. Eric's friends suggest that he rounds up the business woman and they come to the game to celebrate. Eric then writes out fake invitations that the real-estate party has moved to the soccer stadium. The business-woman are confused why it has changed and go to the event anyway.

Saturday is here and Eric and his friends are playing the game. The game is finished and they have won. Eric then says that he did it and all the woman are furious.
Danielle, furious too and later calm, then points out that they all supported her son. The other woman then agree that they would've agreed on the same thing and did enjoy the game and Dom comes back with a whole bunch of chili dogs which the three enjoy, Eric's friends enjoy, and the business woman. Leo, Leslie, Chris and Kris are there too and all enjoy the rest of the afternoon. A few hours later they are enjoying the night sky.

During the credits, most of them had fell asleep there, and a secruity officer wakes them up telling them to leave, but they refuse, until the officer pulls out a tazor, and all of them run.

Meanwhile, Chris and Kris keep coming over asking Dom for things such as sugar, a jumper cable as their car broke, and other silly/weird things. Dom is furious with them when they are not around. Eric suggests that he bothers them, he does this at the game, until Chris and Kris apologize. Dom, mad that he did not get the last word, runs off. He comes back okay as he already knows he got the last word and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. (this warps into the chili dog ending scene.)


Pretty good for a first episode?
Danimal
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by Danimal » Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:33 am

lwaxana wrote:I would hate for anyone reading here to think that every participant in the forum agrees that that kind of treatment is just fine and "a sign that you're doing something right."
I'm flattered that it's considered that I am the voice of everyone on the forum. Thanks! I'll have to go back and see if I found cursing offensive or just plain trite and gratuitous though. To be clear, I found nothing funny about the offscreen voice oddly yelling "faggot" or "queer," and think it should be removed solely because it added nothing. I was also not offended by it as words can't offend. But having gay characters be the butt of jokes? I'm all for it. Make fun of everyone, I say. No one should be off limits no matter what dolts and their useless, soulless Political Correctness may dictate they pretend to feel.

Nick, your summary is a little haphazard, but definitely in the right direction. It strayed a bit from the story of Dom not knowing which event to attend, in fact he seems to barely factor in at all.

I'm not sure why the scene discussing having a kid is in there at all unless it's to show how delighted Dom is at the idea only to then be miserable when he slips on the milk?

The fake invitations is a funny idea. They should be be obviously fake but NO confusion on the business womens' part. They should be completely accepting despite how clearly fake they are. It's also kind of sentimental that the kid goes to these lengths to preserve his mom's event instead of just whining or something.

I don't totally get the Dom/Kris/Chris subplot but it does sound like there's potential there. And ANYTHING involving chili dogs is good in my book! :mrgreen:
~Danimal
NickMichaels
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Post by NickMichaels » Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:44 am

I think I can remove the 2003 part. I thought maybe a flashback could start off a good series. The milk scene is present-day. I think I'll just start off with the milk scene to begin the episode. The milk scene is supposed to represent that the family is a good together family.

It was just a summary, so Dom will be more involved in the main plot at the beginning. Until, Danielle points out the skip the party scene.

I had an idea where Danielle and the woman pull a "Wheels & the Legman" and try to find out who wrote the fake invitations and go to the event and attempt to find out the person who did it. I didnt write it yet because I was still thinking of it. What do you think of this second subplot.

The Dom/Chris/Kris subplot is supposed to be somewhat like where neighbors ask to borrow a cup of sugar. However, Chris and Kris keep doing it over with various things. Like their car breaks down, so they need a jumper cable. They do it over and over till Dom blows up with them.
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lwaxana
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by lwaxana » Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:51 am

I do love to flatter you, Danimal. :P

I didn't mean that you're the sole voice of the forum. When I said there were offensive parts earlier, Nick asked me if I meant certain specific aspects (And made no mention of this aspect). I felt like I didn't need to outline every single item because he was re-writing the script. Then when I saw that it could end up back in this script, I felt I should say something (he did specifically ask). And there was general distaste with the profanity etc in this thread as well as a thread on the same topic at the Animator Forums. So I don't want it to give the impression of, (in the example, Nick asked about earlier), c*nt should be removed, but f****t should stay. This gives the impression that some people are off limits, but some people are not, which is not the same as "no one is off limits."
Danimal
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Re:

Post by Danimal » Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:26 am

NickMichaels wrote:I had an idea where Danielle and the woman pull a "Wheels & the Legman" and try to find out who wrote the fake invitations and go to the event and attempt to find out the person who did it. I didnt write it yet because I was still thinking of it. What do you think of this second subplot.
Surely Danielle would recognize her own son's handwriting. No need to have her investigate, it actually works better if everyone just blindly accepts the fake invitations.
NickMichaels wrote:The Dom/Chris/Kris subplot is supposed to be somewhat like where neighbors ask to borrow a cup of sugar. However, Chris and Kris keep doing it over with various things. Like their car breaks down, so they need a jumper cable. They do it over and over till Dom blows up with them.
I think this would be easier to get if I read it in a scene. I guess I get where you're going, his frustration boils over. Do they have a reason for bugging him a lot or are they just annoying? Here's an idea: because they're gay Dom is overly nice to them on their first visit so they abuse the kindness. He doesn't want to appear prejudiced but at the same time he's obviously annoyed. Something like that, it's just an idea.
~Danimal
steveryan2
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by steveryan2 » Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:41 pm

Nick,

My opinion: If they decided to have a baby because their lives were dull, this is not something you want in an opening (flashback) scene. Having a baby because you are bored with your life speaks volumes about the characters and none of it is good. Best to hold off on that little tidbit until after the audience gets to know your characters in a positive light; then you can reveal their flaws.
NickMichaels
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Thu Nov 20, 2014 11:53 pm

@Danimal

They could always be printed out invitations.

And, that subplot idea for the gays isn't bad it all. Thanks.

@Steve.

Yeah, the flashback scene could be removed good until the future.
NickMichaels
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Fri Nov 21, 2014 2:39 am

Here's the first scene. The formatting kind of messed up, but you can read it fine.

(SETTING, PLOT, PLACE: ERIC IS IN THE KITCHEN, JUST WOKE UP, DECIDING WHAT HE WANTS FOR BREAKFAST.)
ERIC: (YAWNS). AH, GOOD MORNING. MAN, WHAT TO EAT.
(HE OPENS THE CABINET)
ERIC: FROSTED FLAKES. NO. APPLE JACKS. EH. CHEERIOS. WAY TO BORING.
(HE OPENS UP THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOUBLE SIDED CABINET. IT GLOWS).
ERIC: KRAVE. THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF.
(ERIC IS STILL POURING HIS BREAKFAST WHILE DANIELLE SPEAKS)
DANIELLE: SO. I HAVE A THING COMING UP SATURDAY.
(ERIC HAS THE CEREAL BOWL FILLED, NO MILK IS IN IT. DOM THEN SPEAKS).
DOM: WAIT. LET'S TRUELY PAY ATTENTION.
(THEY PUT THERE THUMB AND POINTER FINGER LOOKING LIKE THAT THEY TRUELY CARE, ANNOYING DANIELLE).
DOM: VERY INTERESTING.
(ERIC JOINS).
ERIC: YES, VERY INTERESTING.
DOM: HOW INTERESTING IS THIS, ERIC?
ERIC: I BELIEVE VERY INTERESTING. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DOM: VERY INTERESTING.
(DANIELLE SPEAKS).
DANIELLE: FIGURES, YOU GUYS DO THIS, I'LL TELL YALL LATER.
(DOM WHISPERS TO ERIC)
DOM: WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN LATER.
(ERIC THEN BEGINS TO POUR THE MILK. HE FINISHES POURING AND BEGINS TO WALK.)
ERIC: TIME TO EAT THIS DELICIOUS BOWL OF KRAVE-(HE TRIPS). NOOOOOOOOOOO. (DEEP-VOICE).
DOM: HERE, I'LL HELP YOU CLEAN THIS UP. (HE SLIPS ON THE MILK).
DOM: WOAHHHHH (DEEP-VOICE).
DANIELLE: HAHA. FAMILY PHOTO. (SHE TAKES OUT A CAMERA)
(THE FRONT OF THE CAMERA IS FACING THE VIEWER AND DANIELLE SNAPS A PHOTO).
(ALL THREE LAUGH).
(THE THEME SONG PLAYS)
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lwaxana
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by lwaxana » Fri Nov 21, 2014 2:52 am

Nice intro! :D I think the playful banter between the characters makes them seem very likeable. I'm not sure what you mean about the thumb and pointer finger. Like resting their head in their thumb and pointer finger?
NickMichaels
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by NickMichaels » Fri Nov 21, 2014 3:07 am

Sort of like this. http://prntscr.com/58hjud
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lwaxana
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by lwaxana » Fri Nov 21, 2014 3:12 am

haha, nice! I think that will be a funny scene.
hayasidist
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by hayasidist » Fri Nov 21, 2014 12:41 pm

NickMichaels wrote: ERIC IS IN THE KITCHEN ... ERIC: (YAWNS). AH, GOOD MORNING. MAN, WHAT TO EAT.
who is he talking to? is everyone in the kitchen at this point or when do Dom and Danielle enter?
NickMichaels wrote:THEY PUT THERE THUMB AND POINTER FINGER ...
yeah - I didn't get that either -- it would be better as (e.g.) "look as though they're thinking by stroking their chins with their thumb and ..."
NickMichaels wrote:NOOOOOOOOOOO. (DEEP-VOICE).
and I'm guessing here you want to go to slow motion for the fall? (and again for Dom?) if so say so.
NickMichaels wrote:(SHE TAKES OUT A CAMERA)
or maybe uses the phone she's already holding? (which she took out at the "I'll tell y'all later" line)

==

Really glad to see the language cleaned up.

Not sure about using actual brand names... you could get into trouble with the brand owners for breach of copyright / misrepresentation of their product ... and with the TV regulators for breach of product placement advertising rules. Way better to parody the names.

And to echo previous comments about the back story about Eric's conception -- boredom is the worst reason to have a child and not the sort of thing a caring couple would do. If you think life is boring without a baby wait until you have one! (would I be right in assuming you're nowhere near seriously considering having kids??) They are a joy in their own way, but the days of spontaneously heading off for a quiet / romanatic weekend or even an evening to the cinema / theratre / dinner for two out are gone .. baby's needs come first - even if it's getting a sitter / dumping the darling with a grandparent - all that needs planning (my son is 1 year old and ...) And I haven't yet met a mother who'd let her baby out of her sight or into someone else's care for more than few seconds (well, maybe minutes) until they can talk... Now think of that in terms of Dom / Danielle's ages -- take off 11 years (Eric's 10, then there's the pregnancy plus trying for him) and that puts Danielle at 20 when she gets bored with her relationship with Dom?? And she wants a baby instead of a new partner???? Really????????

Load a few years onto the parents ages?? take a few off Eric?? But above all, change the circumstances of his birth.
Danimal
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by Danimal » Fri Nov 21, 2014 1:03 pm

hayasidist wrote:Not sure about using actual brand names... you could get into trouble with the brand owners for breach of copyright / misrepresentation of their product ... and with the TV regulators for breach of product placement advertising rules. Way better to parody the names.
This was definitely my first thought as well. Besides, coming up with parody names is fun. Frosted Flukes, Apple Jerks, etc...

It's a good start. Your actual writing of the script is off though, as hayasidist pointed out in a few places. Also, there's no need to preface someone's like with "(CHARACTER SPEAKS)." When their line of dialog comes up, we'll know they're speaking. All of the characters laughing at the end has a kind of '70s cop show feel to it and in general, watching people on screen laugh tends to make the joke less funny for the audience. I'd rather see Danielle snap the picture then see Dom angry and Eric sad, but then they kind of look at each other and see the silliness of their predicament and just smile at one another then smile back at Danielle. This also helps to strengthen the characters' bond, that even when upset they still make each other happy.
~Danimal
ddrake
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by ddrake » Fri Nov 21, 2014 7:47 pm

I saw that the steveryan "Zombie Story" pulled over onto it's own thread. I was curious if the NickMichaels "Vermonters" development has considered a side as well, though I guess it's effectively taken over this one now. I'd be interested in catching up and offering some thoughts, feedback, or help for either/both, but found this particular thread getting a little long and cluttered.

Just a thought, and might be useful before someone else jumps in and hijacks the "teaming up" topic with yet another project. :wink:
-ddrake
ddrake
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Re: Anyone interested in teaming up?

Post by ddrake » Fri Nov 21, 2014 10:42 pm

Ok, took a little time and caught up. And I guess the thread is not quite as cluttered toward the end as everything seems focused on Nick's concept. I see that things are progressing at least in a positive direction, so I won't harp on it with my opinions of the early draft. I am glad to see people pitching in ideas for story sake, and many have already said things I would have.

But, beyond story or writing itself, what I didn't notice anyone mention is how poorly formatted your script segments are. It's very unpleasant to read through for that reason alone.

I'm not saying that it needs to be in a traditional screenplay format or anything at this stage, but holy jeez, ALL CAPS FOR EVERYTHING? IT'S LIKE READING A TELEGRAM OR SOMETHING. STOP. AT LEAST SOME SPACING BETWEEN DIFFERENT CHARACTER DIALOGUE WOULD BE NICE. STOP. - :P
-ddrake
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