script done

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jackass
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:31 pm

Post by jackass »

The new and last one :D


scene 1 spring

A small green wolf pup is crying he chasing someone who he can I not catch. The dark figure relentlessly moves forward the the grieving whelp can not catch him even thou he only walks. He stops and without turning to his abandon charge

DARK FIGURE

You'll will

He said it quietly but without malice but with great sternest but was not a command nor question It was a promise and the pup agreed back.

YO

I will.

The dark figure then disappear into the light flower petal drops on his soft little green head a big firm black paw landed with great care on his little head.

BALOO

child like all the other guardians parents or otherwise he be back to take you home spring and summer so don't cry.

Scene 2 Destiny

yo trains his body by fighting his mind by enduring cold falls and spirit by mediating while baloo tells them about god hood.



BALOO

You young gods all glow a yin and yang mark for two reasons. One to show that your a god and ready to train. Without training your second glow won't come will tell you about the second marking. One appear when you are six and other 12 at the the third full moon. Which is once in every 12 years.

each time yo gets older as he comes back from training he look at a tiger scroll each time his eyes beam with determination as yo words echo in the background.

YO

I will

SCENE 3

Yo is meditating under cherry Blossom tree and is avoid by all the other children. A flashback of him savagely attacking the dummies he scares the other children. He glares atthem for being afraid. Yo stops meditating and hugs his knees.

YO

I never bully anyone nor threaten why do fear me.

What he didn't notice that a real bully was standing at the a few feet in front him.

BOY TIGER

Hey mutt I don't like green freaks on my tree especially freaks that don't act like there suppose to.

Yo snap back in a angry voice and his loud angry voice vs the tiger amuse calm one.

YO

I'm a god not a freak!

BOY TIGER

A freak a freak no matter what cast but I understand why a freak like you want to distance yourself from the others.

YO

Shut up and fight that why you came you beat up all the kids after your long pointless speeches.

BOY TIGER

Ha most the time my prey enjoys the speeches because it prolong the enable that I'll beat them to a pulp.

YO

Yeah but unlike those cowards I'm been wanting to punch your fangs out for the longest.

BOY TIGER

Ha I'll count to 5 for you to get out of my turf and even turn my back so you want feel like a coward.

YO

fool don't turn a blind eye!

Yo lunges with great force and speed his fierce image is caught in the tiger's eye.
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Mikdog
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Post by Mikdog »

Hey, its better than your last one. I like it. Somehow Yo saying 'I've been waiting the longest to punch your fangs out' doesn't sit well with me, I dunno. Just doesn't seem like his character, but maybe it is?

The story's pretty good and I get a pretty clear picture in my head of him training and meditating. Balloo from the Jungle Book? Ha ha.

Well, nice one, Yo the Green Wolf pup gets trained by Baloo to become a warrior and when his time comes to prove himself he goes bananas on the bully. I like that he's a lonely warrior.

You could perhaps add some resolution at the end of the story, but if you want to carry on with the story at a later stage this seems like a good introduction.

Cool, I look forward to seeing where you go from here guy.
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jahnocli
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Post by jahnocli »

jackass wrote:yo trains his body by fighting his mind by enduring cold falls and spirit by mediating while baloo tells them about god hood...
Let's not beat about the bush here. I don't think this is a script at all. Let's take this excerpt at random:

1) It doesn't make sense
2) It's too vague
3) "mediating"? Do you mean "meditating"? Mediating and meditating are two completely different things. If you are going to use words to express your ideas, it helps to know what they mean

It doesn't look like words are your strong point. Try breaking your writing up into a storyboard instead. Think about composition and timing -- this will be a big help when you come to start animating. But what you've got at the moment isn't a script, it's an extended, poorly-expressed, elevator pitch. IMHO.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
jackass
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:31 pm

Post by jackass »

I suck at scripts but I only made one so my voice actor knows what to say I Suck at storyboards too unless I do it like a comic book which makes easier to get into a narative flow. In storyboards you have to work with tiny squares and I need space. But Im going to check out some story boards right now
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slowtiger
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Post by slowtiger »

Nobody forces you to draw in tiny little squares. I know of a german comic artist who draws on big sheets of wallpaper with a thick edding marker, then reduces everything to common comic book size.

It's always preferrable to work with the tools and in the size one feels comfortable in. My favourite tool is the pencil, and on a very small piece of paper - for a decent storyboard I have to blow up the sketches!

And contrary to common belief I don't think a script has to be a finished piece of work for itself. Some people need it. To pitch and present a project, you'll need it. But if only you and nobody else needs it as a reference, it can be unfinished and vague, as long as you have a clear idea about what's going on. In the end only the finished movie counts.
Acochran_89
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Post by Acochran_89 »

As long as you know what you're trying to get across in the script then it doesn't matter if people tell you the script is incomplete or something. Yes, people can say some of the lines should be changed...but as long as YOU can take your script and turn it into a clear, understandable, animation then it's all good.
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neeters_guy
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Post by neeters_guy »

jahnocli wrote:It doesn't look like words are your strong point. Try breaking your writing up into a storyboard instead.
The script is very difficult to read without punctuation and capitals.

Follow the wise words here and start drawing (besides I would like to see what a green kung fu fighting wolf looks like :wink:).
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